“Game changer” Jargon Bank moves office
As Banking Technology reported last year, the “game changer” bank launched offering “compelling and innovative” products, which raised more questions than answers. This was followed in February with an update of its “revolutionary” mobile payments app from version 1.1 to 1.2, which just raised eyebrows.
With the simple office relocation you would think our news story would end here. Perhaps a few words on its website or a couple of tweets with photos of trendy and phenomenally healthy people grinning inanely at a new ergonomic and environmentally friendly desk.
Unfortunately, in our reality the gratuitously loquacious Jargon Bank had other ideas and issued what can only be described as a novella to describe this event.
In a pretentious 4,000-word press release, which was marginally less annoying than a Martin Amis novel, the bank outlined every last painful detail. Whether it was the expensive coffee machine being scratched (but no one got angry as they’re all so wholesome) to a new and ironically decorated beanbag being placed correctly – no moment was too small to describe.
Self-appointed “gobbledygook disseminator” Tarquin Ponsonby, head of marketing at Jargon Bank, was as helpful as ever: “With this compelling office relocation we have positioned ourselves at the forefront of the digital revolution. We have created a new and innovative space where our fintech visions for a better and fairer banking system may be incubated for the development of new, state-of-the-art and cutting edge products that bring cost efficiencies to our customers. Our customers remain at the heart of everything we do.”
On receiving the press release, Leon Levine, reporter at the new, hip online fintech publication, Don’t Give Me That Bank Look, said: “I’ve edited it down to 50 words, but it still feels too long. As in 50 words too long.”
If you actually cared, the bank, which still remains in Shoreditch (where else?), says it has moved from the Precious Palace for Extreme Archness to the Peruvian Marxist Memorial Building for the Eternally Bearded. To the non-hipster eye, both look remarkably similar.
No reasons were given for the bank moving, but a quick phone call to the landlord of the former residence revealed Jargon Bank was behind on its rent and had annoyed other tenants by playing really bland, insipid music – like Mumford & Sons. Put it this way, it was the kind of music that makes Coldplay sound edgy.
In an exclusive rant to Banking Technology, the landlord, Ted Dibbler, says (and his 20 swear words have been omitted for brevity): “If I ever find those smug bearded cretins again I’ll wring their necks.”
He won’t have far to look.