“Game changer” Jargon Bank updates an app
As Banking Technology reported in December, the “game changer” bank launched offering “compelling and innovative” products that left journalists diving for cover… usually to the nearest pubs.
Now it’s back with a 2,000-word press release that contains so much vague nonsense it would have taken a team of Bletchley Park cryptographers weeks to work out what it all means.
Arch-enemy of the English language, Tarquin Ponsonby, head of marketing at Jargon Bank, says: “With this update we position ourselves at the forefront of the banking revolution. We have created additional value by revolutionising the digital customer experience. The most successful companies are the ones that combine marketing, operations, and technology to drive comprehensive digital transformation.”
Right… and the app? What’s up you floppy-haired fool? We still don’t know.
Somewhere amidst the drivel was the mention of the minor update, which seems to add nothing extra to the previous version. We think you can now add an emoji to a message.
The rest of the announcement contained so many insipid inanities, that it made a Barbara Cartland novel look like a hard-edged crime story by Elmore Leonard.
In a parallel (and much saner) universe, someone would have taken the decision to hold back on this “news” and reflect that its impact would be minimal. As in non-existent.
After reading the press release, most journalists didn’t flock to their computers to draft a news story. Instead, one enraged individual was seen punching walls, while another ran down the corridor shouting “I can’t take this anymore!”.