Fintech journalist thrilled to receive glossy brochure
Jaded hack and scarecrow impersonator Eugene Egmont, reporter at Flabbergasted by Fintech, approached a firm’s stand at the event with good intentions – a quick and lively chat – perchance bedecked with juicy quotes, witticisms and specifics. Or perhaps just a chance to say hello and be party to humans speaking normally to each other as the ancient ones did before the internet took hold. Armed with such material, Egmont could have crafted a potentially memorable story or shared a few insights with his readers (both of them).
Instead, with alarming speed, a marketing representative latched onto the journalist like an obsequious intercontinental ballistic missile; and with the kind of rictus grin that makes the Joker look like Paul Simon; proceeded to explain what the company does.
After this barrage of inhumane jargon, the marketing “guru” handed Egmont a 100-page brochure that contains so many buzzwords people break out in hives after touching it.
Commenting on receipt of the brochure, Egmont says: “I have it. It’s mine preciousssss. I hold aloft the sacred brochure. Legends speak of such a tome, and now I have it. I will read every word of this glorious document and if by chance I mispronounce one word on any page, I will go back and read the whole thing again because that’s how I roll. I might be the least paid person at this conference but I have the brochure. And others don’t.”
He marvelled at the 100 pages. Who knew that so many pages could be used to get a simple message across? 100 words would have been enough! But it’s OK. Amazon forests may have been decimated for the paper production, tribes displaced, greed sated. That is all irrelevant when it comes to brochures. What is the world without them?
Egmont spent the rest of the conference in a state of rapture. Happiness radiated from him – leaving delegates confused as to whether he was a journalist or a character from a Disney film.
Sharon Stoned, senior reporter at right-wing fintech publication Treasury and Capital Punishment, adds: “I’ve not seen Eugene this happy since they opened a free bar at a payments conference.”